How have you been? You might not remember me but the last letter I sent to you was as Bobby Corbell in 1968. I know there has not been correspondence between us in 50 years however there’s a few things that must be addressed. First of all, thank you for the Realistic Astronaut-5 Solid State five-band radio. Although my sister tore off the antenna in 1973, it still works on the police frequencies. Second, you really need a good lawyer that specializes in trade marks and franchise infringement. I see folks posing as you who don’t weigh over 150 pounds. The laugh is all wrong and toddlers leave the mall with wet pants and psycho dramatic delusions that confuse you with circus clowns. It puts both Clement Clarke Moore and yourself in a very bad position.
I know you had something to do with the early gifts that were brought to us in 2018. The confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh, Broward County’s Supervisor of Elections resignation, and finally after 13 days the Gina Ortiz-Jones concession speech. How do I know your hand was in it? Well, with that bowl-full-of-jelly frame dressed in your traditional flight suit, you’re practically a red-state yourself. You really rock as a Republican Santa.
Now that I’m in my fifties, I’m not asking for any tangible gifts for myself. But there are some things that we all could do with and without, that might keep the holiday spirit a glow year around and that you might be able to bestow under the tree. First my request of the things we all could do without:
• Flat earth conspiracies
• Jason Garrett as the Dallas Cowboys head coach
• The CMA Awards
• Political Campaign Ads
• Lady Gaga
• Direct Mail
• The madness of the bowl game television nightmare
Also, could you arrange a UFC event in Las Vegas between Alexa and Siri? A fight that leads to their non existence. The gift would not be complete except for placing the critical thinking controllers of Facebook and Google in a single self driving car. Once the vehicle hits 70 miles per hour, it never stops. Ever. Those in the apparatus participate in a perpetual fight for the remainder of their natural lives over one USB port in the back seat. That would be really great Santa! People need to get up and turn off lights and select music using vinyl and turntables themselves.
The things we could all use Santa might take a few years from research and development to design. Some of the elves might have to go back to college during the off season to obtain advanced education to tender the request. But I believe gifting these needs would keep on giving, not just for Del Rio, but mankind. My request includes:
• More street lights
• Folks using correct Enter and Exit doors at Wal Mart
• A four lane highway between Del Rio and Uvalde
• True, legitimate, rightful, ingenious and affordable Health Care Reform
• The return of Luby’s
• Bunuelo’s year a round.
Finally Santa, I know you cannot please everyone. The constant entitlement of the millennial demographic wonders why you haven’t contracted your hard work to China. A lot of these folks believe Christmas is an Amazon-shopping season that begins in September and lasts for 30 minutes on December 25th, before heading to a brick-and-mortar mall or glutton lined casino.
You leave those who are misfortunate and don’t receive a Christmas gift to us which practice the Christian faith with compassion and kindness. Our fault is that a majority of the time, we do not exchange such small gifts or acts for the remainder of the 364 days of the year. Maybe if we spent Christmas Eve listening to all 53 movements of Handel’s Messiah, some of what we learned as a child in Sunday school would come back to mind.
Happy travels Santa. Be careful navigating between Del Rio and Rocksprings this year. The deer leases are full and bourbon has been flying off the shelves.